Our relationship is a fragile thing

Strike that, a delicate thing

New to life, don’t push it too far without letting it find its own stride

But resilient and elastic beyond measure

Absorbing every little thing, big and small

Ready for the mission of a lifetime: to fly, and then, to nest.

The flags we ignore are the deal breakers that end things

VS.

Loving together means accepting faults and pushing each other toward growth

You’re a lover not a hater

But also not a fighter

No anger on your own behalf

But does that blind you to what harm looks like in all its insidious forms?

(yes, it does)

Babe

I feel lonely but not alone

Missing you is hard but not difficult

because you’re right here for me, if ever I need you

But I want to be strong and give you space and self-soothe

So any time apart is a vine of growth for our budding relationship.

If I need you, you’re always there

January 2020

I have to separate out defending someone’s behalf, standing up for the nervous guy

From actually being in love with them.

Advocating for neurodivergent ways of being social

From the truth that I want someone neurotypical and just plain relaxed

Skating on thin ice

When I plunge into tears it’s like falling into the winter waters,

A rush of ice to the heart, and then instant fear that I won’t get out of it this time.

But each time it’s because of something I did: I stomped too hard, I tried to show off with a flight but landed with all my weight and more.

Sometimes I keep skating right until the season changes, falling into the ice owe and over until the grief is gone.

But it comes back in winter

So I can choose to return to the pond of thin ice, or go to one that’s thicker, made for me even.

My Fortune

Says that love is recognizing parts of yourself in others, and delighting in that discovery.

{You didn’t like that fortune; you said love is much more than that)

But when you make onomatopeia in your stories and tell me that your brother makes fun of you the way my boss does, my heart melts

When you spontaneously told me that turtles were your favorite animal, I couldn’t believe it because that felt like a cosmic gotcha moment. We were already so aligned, why did the universe want to make you love the same flippers and shells that I do?

Your silly humor reflects in mine, and I see hidden corners of laughter that I couldn’t reach my hand into before.

But you wanna know why I believe in my fortune?

Because seeing you express the same traits as me is like seeing myself in the world as others do. They tell me that I’m so amazing, such a great friend, so funny. So when I see that in you, it’s like receiving the love that I give to other people,

finally getting presents that I never knew I was waiting for. And some of us start from a mindset of lack, that we will always give and never receive unless the very special person takes on the burden of me and loves just as hard as I give. So it is real, and I do take delight in it, feeling blessed.

My mother

Would spend hours talking to parents at Chinese school, long after classes let out

She would stay behind at any Chinese party or linger in the parking lot to talk until we were kicked out

In this way, I learned to talk on the phone for hours, but only once in a blue moon. And I always walk people to the last spot until we are forced to separate

…

My mother

Hoarded cans of SlimFast and energy bars throughout my childhood

Dieting phases came and never really left, just morphed

…

My mother

Was separated from her siblings by an ocean and an immigration system that tied her to her job

She squeezed life into small boxes of stolen hours and calling cards

…

My mother

Sought desperately to be full of relationships, while living in a house with a man who makes her feel more alone with his presence

My mother

Asks me to come home to Ohio so I can motivate her to walk around the neighborhood, alleviate her blood pressure by traveling 3 blocks

My mother

Tried to make herself smaller so her desire for social interaction could fill the void within

But it was never small enough

And time was never full enough

My mother’s daughter

I understand the feeling.

We talked a meandering route through organizing, activism, and what it means to be a real organizer

Dedicated to the movement, called by the cause the community

I poured my heart [type 7 stuff]

into your hands so you could watch it flop around as I drew upon my thoughts from Philly

Anyway, I said something about climate change and living out my values yet not shutting down streets to end it and you responded silent… “but I want to have a normal life”

I said yes of course! I don’t know if you were reassured though. Because what I didn’t say, is that when I describe this searching for The One Thing I Really Want, feeling unsatisfied by the many things, it’d not true in love. I’ve found it in you.

Type Seven

On a very deep level, Sevens do not feel that they can find what they really want in life.

(“If I can’t have what will really satisfy me, I’ll enjoy myself anyway. I’ll have all kinds of experiences—that way I will not feel bad about not getting what I really want.”)

While they are scrambling after exciting experiences, the real object of their heart’s desire may be so deeply buried in their unconscious that they are never really aware of precisely what it is.

I resonate with this so deeply.
They asked me what was new, what didn’t resonate, and I said “Nothing.” The intersection/overlap of these words with my self-understanding is so complete that I’ve heard them said out loud back to me.
“You will never be satisfied intellectually. You want to do everything!”

So, knowing this… I feel fully secure with you, safe and whole. Overwhelmingly, what I feel most is a fullness of being, a full being that squirms around my insides and causes smiles to bubble up at random.

But there’s a thought that nibbles at the edges of my mind, pestering, “What if he’s getting bored?” “What if it’s happening again? Would he tell you, or just pull away?” “What if you’re too much, because you can’t hide that  about yourself and eventually it comes out one way or another?”